Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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