Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
