i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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