Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize