Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
