If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
