Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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