Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
