i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
