My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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