I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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