I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
