My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
