At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
