let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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