At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize