if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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