everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
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