went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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