So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
