the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
