Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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