i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
