My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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