You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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