Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
