i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
