lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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