planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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