I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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