I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
