Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
They took my balls.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Randomize
