will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize