hell yes lets make some ravioli
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize