So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
