Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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