..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
