So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you will always have a special place in my vag
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize