Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
