"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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