i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
We need to rekindle our bromance
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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