I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize