Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
