The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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