I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
