im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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