I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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