I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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