dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
