I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
