Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
