i just wanna soil my oats bro
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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