oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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