Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
