If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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