I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
