just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I love having hate sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
