Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
